BELONGING
‘I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member ‘
I’ve often reflected on this famous quote from the late Groucho Marx. It hits a nerve, I guess because it reveals the complexity of what it is to Belong.
Do we want to belong to a group that is our equal, our ‘fit’, our ‘type’ or is aspiring to be accepted by those we perceive as the who we would like to be the pull that ensures we don the accessories (whatever they may be) to sachet in to all we desire.
The choice is as clear as mud, no?
Is Belonging a feeling of being accepted for who you are OR is it an aspiration for who you want to be?
This piece has taken me a long while to write, maybe because the idea of what it is to belong or align with something or someone has so much meaning for me personally – it is actually challenging to articulate my thoughts. But here we are, a deep topic, a blank’ ish page and a frustration to capture some musings in the vain hope of some catharsis and something for you to ponder in your own life.
The beginning of an understanding of the power of belonging came unexpectedly…
It hit me whilst sitting in a Qantas plane, seat belt on tight, waiting on the runway for our turn to take off! I was wide eyed with adrenaline and excitement, this was the first time I would be leaving my homeland of Australia, bound for unknown adventures and the dream that London would be where I would ‘find’ myself, presuming of course that I was hopelessly lost!
I was a young, naïve girl, mourning the loss of her Mother and Father and feeling very much that I had lost my ‘anchors’, the people in which I completely belonged to. I decided that distance from what I knew as ‘home’ would help me create space from the sadness and uncertainty that unwanted change brings.
Piping through the comms system was the melodic instrumental version of ‘I Still Call Australia Home’. I could hear Peter Allen singing in my mind, as if he was directing every word to me.. I was about to become the ‘daughter’ spinning around the world, heading for old London town.
Tears started to stream down my face, my heart felt like it was being wrenched from my body and I was contemplating yelling ‘STOP the plane, I have to get out, I still, I still, I do call Australia home!’
I didn’t of course, and spent the 6 hours to Singapore just whimpering in my seat, wondering, questioning ‘why’ I felt the need to go on this quest. I justified my leaving by putting a time limit of 2 years and then I would return, home, filled with knowledge and wisdom from my many experiences, that was my deal and a comforting self narrative, I wasn’t leaving for good, rather it was good for me to leave to know the feeling of coming back!
Mmmm, well, that didn’t exactly happen to plan, as it would be over 20 years later that I would return, not as the girl that left but as the person who was grappling with being an ‘adopted’ Londoner in a new, strangely familiar Australian home.
Belonging started to be something that I compartmentalised, I was more than one thing, more than one type or one fit.
. . .
Identity is important – how we outwardly appear is our non verbal language and it speaks to ‘our’ people and indeed to those who aren’t or aren’t just yet.
We are the sum of ALL the pieces that we gather to create the ‘who’ we are and the ‘who’ we want to be seen and accepted as being.
Marketing gurus rely on our need, our wiring to Belong, creating brand strategies that work to both validate our inherent instinct. We see this strongly within sports brands, if you are an Adidas devotee then your attributes are different to someone who decks themselves out in Nike. I’m still trying to work out what camp I’m aiming for in the imagined idea that I am completely individual by wearing Converse and more recently, yes, unbelievably for a double amputee, Doc Marten boots!
Not that this is a confessional outpouring but along with the Converse and Doc Marten boots, I am also a devoted wearer of Black! The more Black, the better! I have avoided, until now, to research what the attraction to wearing this colour means ….for those of you who are intrigued;
Like most psychological constructs, we can trace our need to belong back to our prehistoric ancestors when group life and cooperation were essential for safety and survival. People lived in small groups where jobs like hunting, gathering and labour were shared. A person who wanted to do it alone in ancient times was unlikely to last very long.
Likewise, rejection from a group would have been tragic for an individual.
The fear of rejection as a human trait deeply embedded in our prehistoric roots is one explanation as to why a fear of rejection persists today. Have you ever struck conflict with someone over a difference in opinion only to find yourself softening your stance or ending up in agreement? This is a form of conformity to a social norm. It is likely that the skills we use to avoid rejection, conform to social norms and enhance belonging persisted due to natural selection and evolution. Belonging was, and always has been, necessary for our survival.
So, we are wired to Belong.
The Extremist groups, of all persuasions, thrive on the lure of being a haven for those who are desperate to be ‘seen’, appreciated and valued. The clever lever that is commonly used in indoctrinating susceptible minds is to offer a ‘cover’, a ‘cause’, something to stand for, fight for, kill for and die for, something that creates a place where you can feel powerful, no longer on the fringes or outcast from wider society. You are now part of a group, either Us and Them – it is only belonging that separates the two.
I must admit that I am quite angry that someone who decided that the demarcation line of ‘us’ and ‘them’ warranted the cruel and brutal action of intentionally detonating a bomb to kill and maim as a means of highlighting division. He removed himself from the largest clan which is Humanity, enabling him to view his targets as nothing more than opponents to his cause. Without knowing, I was placed in a convenient group of ‘other’ and belonged to a narrative that the extremist assailant had to believe in order to show the shallow might of his group, his identity, his reason to be.
Belonging was both a weapon to kill and a hand to save
From the moment we are born, our instinct is to connect to our Mother and caregivers. Of course, this makes sense biologically. Our primary caregivers are the same people who ensure our wellbeing and provide food, safety and shelter. Once again, belonging is critical to our survival.
Neuroscientist Mathew Lieberman suggests that we never actually switch off thoughts about others and our relationships to them. Put simply, our brain enters a default network when resting, which mirrors the same neural cognitive system that occurs when we engage in social interaction. The default network has been observed in babies as young as two weeks using resting functional magnetic resonance imaging ((MRI) providing evidence that we are indeed born to belong.
Dr Fiona Kerr also talks about the detrimental effects on the brain of young children who have not experienced the bonding of Touch to those who have.
Attachment theory shows how pivotal those early bonds and relationships are for the trust and relationships we form with other people throughout our lives. Endocrinological research demonstrates the powerful role of oxytocin – known as the herding hormone – in social inclusion and social bonding. Research in this area provides more substantial evidence that belonging is in our biology. But before you decide to spray oxytocin up your nose to address the world’s loneliness crisis, note that research shows that oxytocin’s benefits in stimulating cooperation, trust, conformity, empathy and favouritism appear limited to in-group members only, which is bad luck for those in the out-group, again we are at the mercy of being in the ‘US’ or the ‘THEM’ groups.
So, what is the ideal to strive for? Can we break or break through the survival instincts to belong to a group and find a deeper, greater idea of Belonging within oneself, giving us the courage to Belong to each other as a species, as Humanity.
‘I see me in you and you in me’
Go Well.